First and foremost, salam AidilAdha buat semua. Somehow AidilAdha this year feels slightly different than previous years for me. No idea why. The weather is different. The feel is different. Hampir every single aspects of my life rasa lain this year. I have been having this urge to wear hijab for months now. Well, not that I don't want to, but am scared. I'm scared because I don't know if I can live up to the expectation.
You see, to me, when one wears a hijab, full time that is, she has to be really sincere in wearing it. She has to be really sure about it. Personally to me, wearing a hijab is no funny matter. Saya sedia maklum bahawa memakai tudung /hijab adalah dituntut dalam Islam. Dan sebagai seorang 'convert' saya secara peribadi memandangkan serius tentang perkara ini. Memang saya teringin untuk bertudung tapi saya risau dengan pandangan orang terhadap saya. Dan saya risau... Saya risau niat saya itu, keinginan saya itu hanya sementara. Bagi saya, once you've decided to wear a hijab, it should be so until you 'pass' this life.
Many of my friends advised me to start with wearing a selendang (shawl) to work. I am happy that they are very positive about it. I like the idea. Tapi saya risau laa pulak, if I do that, people will say something else pulak! "Gaya Siti", they might say... *sigh* Kalau betul pun, salah ka? At least she wears one, no? Haaa... If I say that, I might 'invite' the comments from the so-called experts pulak later... Pening... Pening!
Anyway, putting the issue on hijab to the side for a while, other things that I would like to focus on more this year are: (1) My commitment to pray more; (2) Concentrate as much as I can on the development of my children -- all the 3 of them! (3) Find opportunities to start something on my own. Insyaallah, I hope to achieve these objectives as soon as possible...
Don't get me wrong though... I do love my job. I like what I'm doing now, the company I work at, the people I work with. They're all amazing people. I would love to stick around longer. But at the same time I have to think about my children, about their lives, their needs, especially my twin boys. I have to know and set what my priorities are. Climbing the corporate ladder is every woman's dream. In fact, I suppose it's everyone's dream... But there are times where we will have to make a choice -- to continue climbing the corporate ladder, or to focus on something else of equal importance. I am like that now. I am in that situation now. I am at that crossroad now... At times, I cry thinking about the choice I have to make. It is just so hard. The passion I have for my current work is so strong. But at the same time, my desire to work on my children's needs are also as strong.
A friend recently advised me to find something that I can do from home. She said that as parents, this is the time to spend as much time as we can with our kids -- see them grow right in front of our eyes, be their best friends, because she said, when they grow older, they'll need lesser of us... Her words struck me right in the heart... She has a valid point though... Time can never be turned back. When it is gone, it is gone... All we have after that are only memories... She's right. Absolutely right. Thank you, Salina W, for the reminder...
I have very limited time now to make up my mind. Hubby gave me a year to decide. I will... I will decide. I will make the choice, and I shall pray to Allah to guide me through it...
To all Muslim friends and readers, salam AidilAdha from me. Happy Eid-ul Adha... To the non-Muslims, enjoy the long weekend! :)
Salam...
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